Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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