woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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