So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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