dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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