I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
either way he was missing a nipple.
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i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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