I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
