I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
