You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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