Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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