Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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