I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
