i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They took my balls.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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