He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Randomize
