Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
