The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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