Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
