On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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