frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
