Just fell off a train. Bad.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
