Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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