I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
