I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
