True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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