quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize