Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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