it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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