I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
