It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
