I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
When are your genitals available?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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