i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
