Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
