wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
