I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
