You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
