I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
