The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Randomize
