I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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