if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
