The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
