I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
