My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
