i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
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I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
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Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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