I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
