I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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