You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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