I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
