You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
