I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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