I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
