the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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