my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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