Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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