I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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