I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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