I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
