remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
