I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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