Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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