Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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