i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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