Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
