So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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